Back to Basics

How to start this?

IM BACK!!!

Very lame… yeah I know. I just don't know why, but something in me says I need to blog again. Say anything I want to. And there are a LOT of things I want to express. I lot has happened since my last post, that's like 3 months ago.

Yes, I have a stable work now, a stable expense and a lonely life, thats makes everything even…or should I say boring. I never thought I can bare with "worklife" but, sort of glad to say, I am almost a year now in the call center industry. I had my share on making our home better, fixing things here and there, the stairs, the bathroom, the terrace and others with the money I earn. The bad thing is, I was not able to save up for school. Well, maybe it's because my parents prioritize our house, because we can now say it is ours, so we invest on it. How I miss school. I can give up work for school, if only I have some other source of income. 

I now consider myself the bread winner of two families. How nice, eh? I don't even have a family yet but I am coining for not just one, but two. Well, sometimes, my older brother can be so "idiotic" that I need to bare his responsibilities. o well, I can not do anything, can I? He's family anyway. I just hope he snaps back and realize that HE is the elder brother, not just the older one.

Also, Why is it that when I thought I finally found someone good for me turns out to be one hell of a big nightmare. NIGHTMARE! It's much worse than a nightmare, actually… because she had me sleepless for more than two weeks. Stress from work + love problems = nothing that will keep you awake. This is actually why my 300-peso load that needs to last 2 months only lasted 2 weeks. I needed to check up on her, keep her company and all that, thinking she may be sick or something, Only to know that she is… You will still love her even though you know the child she carries is not yours. Well, even though you know you she will not be yours anymore, you still keep in touch, and care for her. 

This is why I hate being the martyr, but that's just my nature. Yeah, I cursed her name, wanted to actually kill her for it, cried nights for nothing, but then again, Yes, shit does happen. And if they do, you can never run away, you need to face it. Live with it.

Well, I had no choice but to stay away. I always see her still (she is from the same office, FGS) and I also see the father. I am not angry with them anymore. Maybe this is a sign that she is not meant for me anyway. Hahahaha… this is the 3rd time I had this issue in my life, and I cant seem to find reason for it.

Why is it that my former relationships with the females I meet turns out to be somehow tragic?

Maybe I need to find it somewhere else. Somewhere that's near but unlikely maybe? Someone I already know? Somewhere where I started from? I really don't know anymore.

Hey, I DID pass through all that identity crisis stage like 2 years ago already, and I know who I am now.  But is this something I should consider? Hahaha… Call me bisexual, gay, straight or anything, I don't care anymore. As long as I can find someone that has a mutual feeling, then we're all good!

This is coming from someone desperate. I just hope this anonymous one comes.

Damn, not the "Carlo Reyes Gay cutter" type that keeps on texting me for no reason at all, talking about my lovelife and all. Fruck, what do you care? As if… 

At least right now, I have reason to live. A reason to tell that person I… can't express myself. I am back to square one again, like 9 months ago when I met her. Back to basics.

"It is never too late to back out of anything" -lizette

But why should I?

I will never find the answer to that question anyway. I have backed out of the most simplest things to the uncommon, just to find out that it is much better if you took the chance and tried the simple joys and try to take the consequeces later. The thing is, I am the kind of person who seeks security in the future. Yeah! I only do things if I know I can handle the consequeces… If unsure, or if I do not know what is out there, I hide. I hide in a very secluded place out of reach of anybody else. Explains my "thinking aloud" phases every now and then, My world is too crowded that it already overflows. My mind is so unstable that I cannot even stand up for myself.

I do love you but as some people know (yes! some, maybe pier knows what that is but crap…), I will not be able to tell you. Unless… Unless I am sure about what i am doing. If it will turn out to be trouble and I will be in a much deeper shit than where I am now, then forget it. I don't know how to justify myself in cases as these. I just want you to know that i am happy everytime i sit beside you doing nothing, even though I know nothing will become of my fantasies. Should I stop thinking about us, you?

I believe it will be a long time before I stop thinking about this, since this gives me false hopes. They may be false but they are hope nonetheless. It is better to have false hope than to be a hopeless git. I am left with nothing without you people but a part of me doesn't want to be too attached. I am afraid of losing, of losing the people I care about, Either in one way or the grotesque other.

It is hard if one part of you wants to gamble and the other wants to back out. You are left in the middle thinking which way to move, which way is more secure. Then the opportunity passes by without you having a go at it.

But at least, I am now trying to do some moves for my future with the anonymous someone, either direct or far-fetched. Let this be the start. I don't know how but I am hoping against hope that I get the message myself…whatever it is…

They had a bad day

  Why do people tend to give others their own temper?!

Yeah! I know you had one heck of a freakin' bad day but the hell, why put me in the equation as well. You having a bad headache is enough but still you spread your contagious behavior…

(more…)

Lined with Silver Streaks

 This is the first chance that I got to make this post. This should have been posted ages ago but I did not have the time and inspiration to even upload these damn (but beautiful…) pics. And would you believe that I, myself, took them pics using my phone. And I am amazed myself.

If only I had a better camera…I'll be a photojournalist or something.

(more…)

Much has been seen, said and done

" Why is the concept of   acceptance and belief so hard to grasp. It is as if you are trying to catch the vision of a mirage and trying to drink from it's pure waters. I know I am not the one that you think I am, but no one can ever change that fact. I chose this path, I will stand by it, and I con't care what ever you say or do to me, I just hope you understand"

 Do you see that? That is, literally, my hand. I marked myself as a demon of my own sins, for I am living a sinful life. My cross is so small now that I won't be able to use it as a bridge of hope and will need to start from scratch to pick up each little cross that I threw on my way, and put them back together again.

(more…)