Pain

I saw you in deep pain again.

Everything flashed back to me like a movie that was in fast forward. I can’t distinguish anything, but I understand.

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Humanda na lang ang walang banta

Isang oras na lang byernes santo na.

Matagal ko na dapat sinimulan ang hangarin kong ito, pero ngayon lang talaga sumagad ang pasensiya ko. Alam ko na ang pagkakaiba ng Oo at hindi, at alam ko na rin kung kailan sila may parehong sagot. Hindi lahat ng pagkakataon kailangan kong sundin ang nakasaad sa pagkakataong iyun. Hindi iba ang nagpapaandar sa buhay ko… ako lang.

"Well, it’s about time."

Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon tama ka. Hindi sa lahat ng panahon, makokontrol mo ang kabaitan ko. Hindi naman sa pagmamalaki, pero sa baba ng nakukuha kong swerte ngayon, kung tutuusin, mas mataas pa rin ang naabut ko sayo. Malas mo lang. Hindi na ako papanig sa iyo. Gawin mo ang gusto mong gawin, wala na akong pakialam, basta wag mo lang akong sasagasaan dahil ikaw ang masasaktan. Tandaan mo yan.

Hindi na kita pagbabantaan. Hindi na kailangan. Mas maganda nga iyon, lalatay na lang sa’yo ang naipon kong  galit. Mas masakit kapag tumama.

Ipinako ang diyos sa krus para sa kasalanan nating lahat. Nating lahat. Walang perpekto. kahit hindi mo gusto, nagkasala ka pa rin. Pareho lang tayo.

Kwarenta’y sais minutos na lang byernes santo na.

Kailangan mo nang mag-luksa.

Silence

And then she stopped walking. under the moon she stopped and looked at us. Looked at me.

Maybe she is trying to tell me something. I don't know. She probably don't know I was there.

But I'll always love her. All my life.

 When will I see her again?

This feeling is not right

I am all fucked up. Sorry for the language but thats exactly how I feel right now. Maybe my cyclothymia is getting to me again but the hell, it is the only thing that can make me post one hell of a rave out of nowhere. I just don't get it? Why am I feeling this way without any certain reason. I am a man of logic but this is way farther than "illogical" that makes me wonder why I am like this. 

Maybe I do it to have an excuse to fill this empty space inside of me.  Void. Vacuum. Nothing. Kapish.
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Morbid thoughts

/* I got this idea from Cai. I am as morbid, if not more morbid, as she is so this is not a surprising fact. I just need to forget about this event but I want it documented for my own sake. I hate instances such as this one when I want and don't want to forget one thing, at the same time. I still cant take this fact out but, I have moved on ever since.

And, yes, I actually took this event into consideration. Everything here is true in the dark corners of my mind, and I know I can ACTUALLY do it, given enough reason. Good thing I run on high amounts of reason making this possibility obsolete.

Please do not judge me. I know this is stupid.

I am very much aware I am a psycho, but a controllable one. I always repeat to myself why I am still considered sane, giving me enough strength to win my sanity over. And thanks to the people around me, I gather enough strength to move on. I am very thankful for them… specifically you…*/

After that fateful night, when all hell broke loose, I never thought I can have enough strength to go to work, play RF or even live. Surprisingly, I was able to retain my gaming blog just in time to win a couple of things. But my bitterness is evident on every word I speak and everything I do. Nothing can make the pain go away. I plain hurts. Period.

I had no reason to continue, but had enough to risk everything. To risk anything. I am like quitting an online game, you try and risk anything, if things go your way, then good, you continue. If things go bad, you quit. But this is life. No quitting. Unless you take your own life, which for me is not even an option. 

"O. Masama na naman ang araw mo ano? Bakit na naman?" A team mate asked.

"As always. Lagi naman ako ganito hindi ba?" I replied.

He was silent. I know he agreed, which was good for me, since I don't want to get too close to people for now. I sat in my station, still dizzy from all the thinking and trauma that I had to go through the last few days. She just gave me her news. I never expected such things but it already happened. My boss called.

"Can you list down these people on aux…blah blah blah…"

I didn't get the rest of it. I wasn't paying attention. I just took the pen and paper, and went back to my station. I am so misplaced that I needed to go somewhere to refresh and restart. I can not go anywhere else but the pantry, which is uncomfortably filled with people, and the Comfort rooms.

Comfort room. Nice name. But it cannot take my misery away, can it? But its worth a try.

I went to the nearest CR, washed my face in cold waters, as if the aircon and my state right now is not enough. I looked at myself in the mirror. Someone else was looking back. I didn't realize it was another version of me. the one I don't want people to know about.

Then, he came rushing inside the room.

The heck, of all the places I can see you, why here? Why now? Fists clutched and frozen solid, I watched him go to the nearest cubicle. 

*START OF MORBID THOUGHT* NOTE: Please, if you cannot accept reality as it is, and this will just cause you to judge me, dont go any further. Might I say, adult content. So if you are not ready for literature as this, take my advice: DON'T CONTINUE READING.

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