I shouldn’t… YET

Imago - Taning

I think the picture and the audio would give an idea on where I am right now. 

Yes, that’s a cut done by the nearest nail (pako), and yes, I was crying. 

I have been considering this for a long time now. There are two persons who are keeping me from doing it all the way - my Mom and my sis.

I swear! All the contents of my prayers within the past few weeks is dying an accidental death as soon as possible, in any way possible, as long as it seems accidental. Why accidental? Because I have insurance. I (or rather my family) will get a hefty amount of money when I die accidentally. That way, my mom can continue to have the proper medication and live to see my sister’s children. That’s all I ask. Both their dreams coming true.

I don’t have any anymore.

Maybe it is again the martyr in me saying all this, or maybe I just want to escape the hurt I am in right now. The helplessness, the loneliness and the grief. I can’t bare them anymore.

I am the person who no one understands or no one would care less to understand.

Back at the office, someone had commited suicide. I just overheard when one of my officemates was in the verge of crying saying "Dapat sineryoso ko siya eh". I just realized someone commited suicide just last night.

One of my closest teamates said to me, "Hoy! ikaw problemado ka din. Wag na wag mong maiisipang gawin un".

"Alam mo kung gagawin ko yun… matagal na akong patay" And I meant it. If not for my mom and my sis, I would have died the day I celebrated my birthday. Para dalawang celebration. Profane, yes, but true. Sadly, it is very true.

I have this knack of frankly saying the hard and sad truth that the ordinary person would hide in fancy words. For me, reality bites.

I just realized that there are a very few people that I can truly ask help from. I recently was hospitalized because I was not able to breathe. I was taken to "Medical City" and I actually had the hopes of dying. I really can’t breathe. I wanted to stop breathing. I had hoped for the worst. I didn’t care. Then my sister texted me "Ok ka lang? puntahan kita jan." I almost cried in front of the nurse and the driver. I looked away to nowhere thinking of them. Of everything that I was willing to lose.

That time my hope ceased. My breathing became better. Maybe it caused my ECG to say "normal". They concluded a bad case of heartburn.

The doctor actually thought I was getting a heart attack. 

Maybe it is a sign that I need to fight for the people I love, especially those who love me back.

I will postpone my little mind game a little later. I remembered Liz saying, "Suicide is the person’s prerogative. If he likes it, Let him be. It’s his wrist anyway". Until I get the right time. It’s not now.