Stratonomicanophonic Weekend

Depression is one hell of a big enemy. But I can take it for now.

What keeps me up all night during weekends? One can of Iced Coffee (sometimes beer *sanmig light to be exact*), sounds (currently Imago’s Blush), something that goes with the drink and surfing the net for something that I don’t really care about.  I just need to take my mind off some things…

There is just a lot of things suddenly happening and I can’t keep up.

 

A lot of events. My mom being one big part of it. Another, my change of schedule, thus, my sleeping cycle as well. Another would be 2 of my friends finding someone as their inspiration. Meanwhile, I am still alone, only thinking of telling the truth to the one I admire.

I feel left behind, you know. I feel time slipping through my hands like the "fine sand" that it is. Everyday I am getting older and older but nothing seems to be happening to my "Grand Plan". Nothing I want is happening and I feel like giving up. I want to give up. Sabi ko nga nung totally depressed ako "kung suicidal ang tendencies ko, patay na ako ngaun". And I mean it… 100%. But I have no plans of commiting suicide, because as long as I have my life, I can change things. I can make things the way I want them to be. And I love each and every day that I have the chance to see the people I love, hoping they can see me the same way I need them. To be strong for them, so that I can be as strong as they are. Okay na ang konting minuto na nakakasama ko sila sa isang araw. Okay na ang makita ko sila at maaninag ang mukha nila na matagal ko na ding na miss.

I adore those people who have their own opinion of life. Someone who would sacrifice his/her own life for someone else. Someone who, even though he’s aangry with you and know the truth about you, still talks to you after you disappointed him. Someone who is aware that the person next to him needs his presence. I have met people like these, but I risk losing them, because I hide too many things. Things that I plan to tell them in due time.

And also, I have been thinking of some people. People who became a large part of my life, and somehow became something more to me overtime. More meaning, I have never thought I will be too attached slash attracted to them emotionally that they find me stalking them every once in a while.

One of my friends talked to me through YM, and said that he met another person that he can be with a relationship with. Of course , I am happy for him, but I cant help but think that I would kill for even an inch of his luck. Then he mentioned that I just need to stop building walls, and set myself free. I told him, the walls are alerady finished. 

But deep inside, I am ready to break those walls and tell everyone (who is ready, that is) to know who I really am.

I just hope I can have the chance to tell them I love them. I had my chance with my mom, but that is not enough, because I won’t let things happen to her. I need my chance for other people, like my friends, relatives, workmates, and somehow the whole world what I need to tell them. 

Soon, the time will come for me. And now, I really don’t care of the possible outcome. I have lost so much, that I don’t care how much I lose this time around.

I remembered a quote: "War will give you nothing and you will lose something. So before joining a battle, know how much you are willing to risk."

I have nothing to lose now. So be it.