Pain

I saw you in deep pain again.

Everything flashed back to me like a movie that was in fast forward. I can’t distinguish anything, but I understand.

I was 2. I remembered I was still drinking milk in bottles. I never slept without you and my hotdog pillow.

When I was about 3 or 4, I played in a neighbor’s ground, with big stepping stones leading to their door and a wide grassy lawn on the right. I happily went to the grassy space, jumping and running at the same time. I tripped over a tall grass and bumped my head on the stepping stones. I stood up, not realizing blood was trickling down my forehead. I saw you ghost-like, running towards me, pale as nothing else, while I was smiling at you with blood in between my eyes and nose.

I absentmindedly reached my forehead. My scar is there still, beneath the acne.

Money as nothing. I had my first medical operation when I was 5. You wanted to ease my pain.

I was 6. I was afraid to leave you on the door thinking you might leave me there with people I don’t know. The teacher ushered me in, my eyes never left you. You never left me.

I had a bad toothache. I was 8 at the time. You took the wet cotton slab from my bloody mouth and replaced it. You smiled. We went to Unishoppe and treated me to a special Halo-Halo to ease my pain.

I never worried you more before compared to this time. I was shaking in fever. You we’re desperate to calm me down, thus, you concocted a ‘Letsugas’ that burned my forehead, but stopped my fever nonetheless. I thought I was about to die at age 10.

My exam turned my stomach over. But you were there when  finished my entrance exam. I passed.

4 long years has passed and I wanted to make you proud that I finished my highschool studies in a great school. I remembered your face when I got the diploma. The stage was nothing compared to your smile.

I saw you worried when I did not go home right after school for reasons that I justified as "projects". I came home at midnight. You tore my shirt apart literally. This time, it was you who cause my physical pain, but I swelled in disgrace. We both cried.

You urged me to look for a job. Things are not looking up and we need finances. I know you did regret the fact that I cannot continue my studies, but we strived for the better. We both cried at the fact that we only had P68 pesos to spend for the whole day. You left me to eat. You ate what’s left.

I had money now. I tried giving you what you want but you did not ask for anything much. A simple siopao or juice or something makes you happy. I had to make you happy, for these times are rare. I remembered the last time I saw your front teeth.

Ate and I planned for a vacation in baguio for our family which will accompany both our birthdays. It was cancelled for we had to rush you to the hospital. 

Just recently, It was my male debut. I had a lot of plans for us, to go out and eat somewhere , some fine dining maybe? I planned to buy a small gift for you. A token of thanks. But irony struck. I learned that day, my birthday, that you had cancer. Cancer of the pancreas - regarded as the silent killer since no symptom is evident until the stage is high. One of the most painful cancers of all. I did not want to go to work. I played with my friends and spent money that night. I did not care. I wanted to forget. I wanted it to be just a dream - a nightmare.

Now I just saw you crying in pain. You wanted me to punch you so hard that you will not be able to breath. The tumors are bulging on your back already. I did not want to touch them. I can barely keep my knees up. I can’t stop the tears from falling, since you cant either. I wanted to steal your pain. How I wish that it was me who couldn’t bare it. If only I can help you ease the pain.

But I cant. I am helpless. I am stupid. I am nothing. I hate this…

"Bakit ba ang problema sabay sabay kung dumating? Ang hirap ng galit, malungkot at nasasaktan ng sabay sabay. Hindi ko to kayang mag-isa"

And I know you cannot bare it as well. But just have strength. We will get through this. Your pain will stop.  We will stop it.

***********************************

Pain is one indicator that will tell us that we are still alive.