This feeling is not right

I am all fucked up. Sorry for the language but thats exactly how I feel right now. Maybe my cyclothymia is getting to me again but the hell, it is the only thing that can make me post one hell of a rave out of nowhere. I just don't get it? Why am I feeling this way without any certain reason. I am a man of logic but this is way farther than "illogical" that makes me wonder why I am like this. 

Maybe I do it to have an excuse to fill this empty space inside of me.  Void. Vacuum. Nothing. Kapish.

To be honest, I am very happy with all the developments in my life right now. The new look, the new lifestyle, the self-acceptance, the honesty (that leads to frankness) and the indifference. I see that MOST (that means thats not all, and I want to stress, NOT ALL) people accept the maturing - or can I call it that? - me. But I am still incapable of taking this childish-annoying-and-very-unpredictable me out that actually gives me these bad feeling. Then you add the last relationship that turned out to be a very painful experience. I make myself think.

Despair and Desperation. That's what I see in the mirror everytime I look into it. Nothing more, not even a light at the farm end, if ever there is one. I am now willing to risk everything I have just to be able to fill me up. Friendship. Work. Family. Life. Nothing else is important anymore. Nothing makes me important anyway.

Do you even know how despair looks like?

Now I know why Desire and Despair are twins. They are indeed twins. If you desire, you despair. If you despair, you desire to get away. I desired for someone and now…I am still desiring that Fracker, I don't know why. He is still keeping me unstable. I hate this. Waltz. The most awkward three steps which will make you think why you are doing it. But I don't know why, I still like Desire's character.

You didn't get it did you?

I am reading too much sandman by neil gaiman. Thats enough.

In any case, I just want to feel what I need to feel right now. The thing is, no one seems to notice. Maybe I dont want to be noticed. I am taking this too seriously. Lighten up, dude. 

Dude. The word dude. I just hate that word. But that's a different story. 

Look into the bright side. I still see that person everyday. We still have conversation. We smile at each other. Yes, we don't want to be alone with each other, but hey, at least you can get near the bastard.

This post has become too self centered. I hate my self centered rant posts. They become too annoying, even to myself.

Bakit ba kasi hindi ako makapag post pag masaya ako, yan tuloy mukha ng hate blog ko to'

O well, thats my life. I get inspiration from pessimism. Pessimism makes me work a little harder. Hard enough to get to the other side, and hard enough to fall right back.

OT: May nakita akong profile sa friendster that goes: "Sana mabasa mo to'. Kung malaman mo kayang gusto kita, matatangap at magugustuhan mo rin ako? Sana lang pareho tau para walang peroblema…" I smiled and prayed my thanks… hindi lng pla ako ang tao sa mundo.

Text quotes:

• There are many reasons why people choose to be alone. Mine is to lessen the pain…coz it hurts so much to be around people "but dont know what you really feel"
• We always wait and look for the right time not knowing that each time is right only if we make things happen.
• You cannot hurt someone who feel nothing special for you. Vice Versa: You cannot be hurt by anyone unless that person is somewhat special for you.
• It is hard to hold unto something that you know would never be yours in any way you think of. We just have to learn that while somethings don't last, some don't even start.
• It is really funny, how you can learn to love again, when though you thought you never would. When you thought that person is the only one then you find another. Maybe out of need. Maybe out of compulsion. Whatever it is, and I dont care what, it is nice to feel whole again.

Bakit ang sakit ng tama ng mga quotes na ito. Damn.