Morbid thoughts

/* I got this idea from Cai. I am as morbid, if not more morbid, as she is so this is not a surprising fact. I just need to forget about this event but I want it documented for my own sake. I hate instances such as this one when I want and don't want to forget one thing, at the same time. I still cant take this fact out but, I have moved on ever since.

And, yes, I actually took this event into consideration. Everything here is true in the dark corners of my mind, and I know I can ACTUALLY do it, given enough reason. Good thing I run on high amounts of reason making this possibility obsolete.

Please do not judge me. I know this is stupid.

I am very much aware I am a psycho, but a controllable one. I always repeat to myself why I am still considered sane, giving me enough strength to win my sanity over. And thanks to the people around me, I gather enough strength to move on. I am very thankful for them… specifically you…*/

After that fateful night, when all hell broke loose, I never thought I can have enough strength to go to work, play RF or even live. Surprisingly, I was able to retain my gaming blog just in time to win a couple of things. But my bitterness is evident on every word I speak and everything I do. Nothing can make the pain go away. I plain hurts. Period.

I had no reason to continue, but had enough to risk everything. To risk anything. I am like quitting an online game, you try and risk anything, if things go your way, then good, you continue. If things go bad, you quit. But this is life. No quitting. Unless you take your own life, which for me is not even an option. 

"O. Masama na naman ang araw mo ano? Bakit na naman?" A team mate asked.

"As always. Lagi naman ako ganito hindi ba?" I replied.

He was silent. I know he agreed, which was good for me, since I don't want to get too close to people for now. I sat in my station, still dizzy from all the thinking and trauma that I had to go through the last few days. She just gave me her news. I never expected such things but it already happened. My boss called.

"Can you list down these people on aux…blah blah blah…"

I didn't get the rest of it. I wasn't paying attention. I just took the pen and paper, and went back to my station. I am so misplaced that I needed to go somewhere to refresh and restart. I can not go anywhere else but the pantry, which is uncomfortably filled with people, and the Comfort rooms.

Comfort room. Nice name. But it cannot take my misery away, can it? But its worth a try.

I went to the nearest CR, washed my face in cold waters, as if the aircon and my state right now is not enough. I looked at myself in the mirror. Someone else was looking back. I didn't realize it was another version of me. the one I don't want people to know about.

Then, he came rushing inside the room.

The heck, of all the places I can see you, why here? Why now? Fists clutched and frozen solid, I watched him go to the nearest cubicle. 

*START OF MORBID THOUGHT* NOTE: Please, if you cannot accept reality as it is, and this will just cause you to judge me, dont go any further. Might I say, adult content. So if you are not ready for literature as this, take my advice: DON'T CONTINUE READING.

I felt my hands tremble and the pressure of the pen I was holding was boring into my hands. I as so angry that I wanted to do something. Something that will give me "comfort". I looked at my eyes again, they were flaming with rage. A deadly sin, wrath is, but it does not give me accounts not to do it.

I rushed to the cubicle, slowly pushed the door. He felt it move, but did not hold it back. There was enough room for me to pass, and I rushed inside before he feels my real plans. I held the pen up attempting to slash it across his throat or chest or anywhere else. I'm just too desperate to do it, whatever happens. 

But there was not enough room to move. He grasped my hand. He had something somewhere between a row and a killing spree. The cubicle was too small and since we both wanted to have as small noise as possible, there was nothing more than a small racket, and not enough force to kill.

I looked up and saw his face. It was not defensive, not even angry nor surprised: he was smiling. Smiling as though everything worked as he planned. I did not realize it until he aimed for my lips. He was restraining me against the wall. A f*cking turn of events. He is really a bisexual maniac, as I've heard.

Damn.

He got a reason alright, a different one altogether. I was too much engrossed in my own thought that I did not realize why men go to the same cubicle. It is profane, right, but not really impossible in such a place. He was almost half naked when I came up with a plan.

I relaxed and smiled. He laughed and let go of me. He led me to the toilet itself. I sat down, still smiling. His face was almost ecstatic. He looked down to undo something. Its better for me not to tell.

But a good timing as well.

The pen is still handy, and I had to strike as fast as I can. I thrust the pen just above his belly causing blood to run out of it. Now he is surprised. I stabbed him again and again, fulfilling me with every stroke. The black pen is now blood red. I was still smiling. He is now gasping.

I stood up. He had enoughto stare me in the eye. I bent down and whispered "revenge" in his ears. Then I kissed his breathe away.

*END OF MORBID THOUGHT*

I emerged from the cold waters unnerved and stable now. I was about to leave when he got out of the cubicle. I stared at him with intent. He saw me staring and waved and said "Aux 3?"

"Hindi. Naka log out pa ako. Ikaw?" I asked.

Sure enough he answered "Mag lunch na kami ni *insert her name here. I'd rather not say*. Sabay ka na!"

I said no. It's much better that way.

He got out of the CR and left me, somehow stabilized. I can move on. I can do this. She is not everything. He can have her. They can cheat and double cross each other however they want. I will move on.

I am happier the rest of the day. It was all I needed.