Silence

And then she stopped walking. under the moon she stopped and looked at us. Looked at me.

Maybe she is trying to tell me something. I don't know. She probably don't know I was there.

But I'll always love her. All my life.

 When will I see her again?

This feeling is not right

I am all fucked up. Sorry for the language but thats exactly how I feel right now. Maybe my cyclothymia is getting to me again but the hell, it is the only thing that can make me post one hell of a rave out of nowhere. I just don't get it? Why am I feeling this way without any certain reason. I am a man of logic but this is way farther than "illogical" that makes me wonder why I am like this. 

Maybe I do it to have an excuse to fill this empty space inside of me.  Void. Vacuum. Nothing. Kapish.
(more…)

Morbid thoughts

/* I got this idea from Cai. I am as morbid, if not more morbid, as she is so this is not a surprising fact. I just need to forget about this event but I want it documented for my own sake. I hate instances such as this one when I want and don't want to forget one thing, at the same time. I still cant take this fact out but, I have moved on ever since.

And, yes, I actually took this event into consideration. Everything here is true in the dark corners of my mind, and I know I can ACTUALLY do it, given enough reason. Good thing I run on high amounts of reason making this possibility obsolete.

Please do not judge me. I know this is stupid.

I am very much aware I am a psycho, but a controllable one. I always repeat to myself why I am still considered sane, giving me enough strength to win my sanity over. And thanks to the people around me, I gather enough strength to move on. I am very thankful for them… specifically you…*/

After that fateful night, when all hell broke loose, I never thought I can have enough strength to go to work, play RF or even live. Surprisingly, I was able to retain my gaming blog just in time to win a couple of things. But my bitterness is evident on every word I speak and everything I do. Nothing can make the pain go away. I plain hurts. Period.

I had no reason to continue, but had enough to risk everything. To risk anything. I am like quitting an online game, you try and risk anything, if things go your way, then good, you continue. If things go bad, you quit. But this is life. No quitting. Unless you take your own life, which for me is not even an option. 

"O. Masama na naman ang araw mo ano? Bakit na naman?" A team mate asked.

"As always. Lagi naman ako ganito hindi ba?" I replied.

He was silent. I know he agreed, which was good for me, since I don't want to get too close to people for now. I sat in my station, still dizzy from all the thinking and trauma that I had to go through the last few days. She just gave me her news. I never expected such things but it already happened. My boss called.

"Can you list down these people on aux…blah blah blah…"

I didn't get the rest of it. I wasn't paying attention. I just took the pen and paper, and went back to my station. I am so misplaced that I needed to go somewhere to refresh and restart. I can not go anywhere else but the pantry, which is uncomfortably filled with people, and the Comfort rooms.

Comfort room. Nice name. But it cannot take my misery away, can it? But its worth a try.

I went to the nearest CR, washed my face in cold waters, as if the aircon and my state right now is not enough. I looked at myself in the mirror. Someone else was looking back. I didn't realize it was another version of me. the one I don't want people to know about.

Then, he came rushing inside the room.

The heck, of all the places I can see you, why here? Why now? Fists clutched and frozen solid, I watched him go to the nearest cubicle. 

*START OF MORBID THOUGHT* NOTE: Please, if you cannot accept reality as it is, and this will just cause you to judge me, dont go any further. Might I say, adult content. So if you are not ready for literature as this, take my advice: DON'T CONTINUE READING.

(more…)

Back to Basics

How to start this?

IM BACK!!!

Very lame… yeah I know. I just don't know why, but something in me says I need to blog again. Say anything I want to. And there are a LOT of things I want to express. I lot has happened since my last post, that's like 3 months ago.

Yes, I have a stable work now, a stable expense and a lonely life, thats makes everything even…or should I say boring. I never thought I can bare with "worklife" but, sort of glad to say, I am almost a year now in the call center industry. I had my share on making our home better, fixing things here and there, the stairs, the bathroom, the terrace and others with the money I earn. The bad thing is, I was not able to save up for school. Well, maybe it's because my parents prioritize our house, because we can now say it is ours, so we invest on it. How I miss school. I can give up work for school, if only I have some other source of income. 

I now consider myself the bread winner of two families. How nice, eh? I don't even have a family yet but I am coining for not just one, but two. Well, sometimes, my older brother can be so "idiotic" that I need to bare his responsibilities. o well, I can not do anything, can I? He's family anyway. I just hope he snaps back and realize that HE is the elder brother, not just the older one.

Also, Why is it that when I thought I finally found someone good for me turns out to be one hell of a big nightmare. NIGHTMARE! It's much worse than a nightmare, actually… because she had me sleepless for more than two weeks. Stress from work + love problems = nothing that will keep you awake. This is actually why my 300-peso load that needs to last 2 months only lasted 2 weeks. I needed to check up on her, keep her company and all that, thinking she may be sick or something, Only to know that she is… You will still love her even though you know the child she carries is not yours. Well, even though you know you she will not be yours anymore, you still keep in touch, and care for her. 

This is why I hate being the martyr, but that's just my nature. Yeah, I cursed her name, wanted to actually kill her for it, cried nights for nothing, but then again, Yes, shit does happen. And if they do, you can never run away, you need to face it. Live with it.

Well, I had no choice but to stay away. I always see her still (she is from the same office, FGS) and I also see the father. I am not angry with them anymore. Maybe this is a sign that she is not meant for me anyway. Hahahaha… this is the 3rd time I had this issue in my life, and I cant seem to find reason for it.

Why is it that my former relationships with the females I meet turns out to be somehow tragic?

Maybe I need to find it somewhere else. Somewhere that's near but unlikely maybe? Someone I already know? Somewhere where I started from? I really don't know anymore.

Hey, I DID pass through all that identity crisis stage like 2 years ago already, and I know who I am now.  But is this something I should consider? Hahaha… Call me bisexual, gay, straight or anything, I don't care anymore. As long as I can find someone that has a mutual feeling, then we're all good!

This is coming from someone desperate. I just hope this anonymous one comes.

Damn, not the "Carlo Reyes Gay cutter" type that keeps on texting me for no reason at all, talking about my lovelife and all. Fruck, what do you care? As if… 

At least right now, I have reason to live. A reason to tell that person I… can't express myself. I am back to square one again, like 9 months ago when I met her. Back to basics.