"It is never too late to back out of anything" -lizette

But why should I?

I will never find the answer to that question anyway. I have backed out of the most simplest things to the uncommon, just to find out that it is much better if you took the chance and tried the simple joys and try to take the consequeces later. The thing is, I am the kind of person who seeks security in the future. Yeah! I only do things if I know I can handle the consequeces… If unsure, or if I do not know what is out there, I hide. I hide in a very secluded place out of reach of anybody else. Explains my "thinking aloud" phases every now and then, My world is too crowded that it already overflows. My mind is so unstable that I cannot even stand up for myself.

I do love you but as some people know (yes! some, maybe pier knows what that is but crap…), I will not be able to tell you. Unless… Unless I am sure about what i am doing. If it will turn out to be trouble and I will be in a much deeper shit than where I am now, then forget it. I don't know how to justify myself in cases as these. I just want you to know that i am happy everytime i sit beside you doing nothing, even though I know nothing will become of my fantasies. Should I stop thinking about us, you?

I believe it will be a long time before I stop thinking about this, since this gives me false hopes. They may be false but they are hope nonetheless. It is better to have false hope than to be a hopeless git. I am left with nothing without you people but a part of me doesn't want to be too attached. I am afraid of losing, of losing the people I care about, Either in one way or the grotesque other.

It is hard if one part of you wants to gamble and the other wants to back out. You are left in the middle thinking which way to move, which way is more secure. Then the opportunity passes by without you having a go at it.

But at least, I am now trying to do some moves for my future with the anonymous someone, either direct or far-fetched. Let this be the start. I don't know how but I am hoping against hope that I get the message myself…whatever it is…